30+30+30…+10?

(Three chapters and an addendum…hopefully)

The first chapter of my life was about me

People loved and cared for me as a baby and then as a toddler.

In most ways, I had an amazing childhood, but family issues often created a difficult environment. We were never unsafe but we were sometimes confused and scared. And so I distanced myself for preservation. Even from my sister who could have been my ally. (So sorry I wasn’t always there for you) Soon enough I was a teenager and the family issues got mixed up with all of the stuff that is just about growing up.

From 17 to 30 I went to college, lived in France, experienced sadness and loss, moved to San Francisco, went to cooking school, joined the circus, fell in love, traveled, explored, owned a chocolate factory, got married, and moved to Canada.

This second chapter has been and continues to be about our kids … and my mortality

During this period I have been learning to be a mom.

My body grew and embraced three babies, only two of whom took the traditional exit. My breasts fed those little marvels morning, noon, and night. I lost hours upon hours of sleep and learned to function anyway. I wiped butts and tears and cleaned diapers and booboos. Lost my patience and found it again only to lose it the next day. Consumer tested my stroller by walking hundreds of miles trying to get a child to sleep. And marveled at the beauty of a child’s movements and the warmth of their hugs.

I have experienced the darkness in my being after raising my voice higher than I ever thought possible. As well as the feeling of failure when it seemed I was doing it all wrong. Though I have never wondered why I became a mom, I have definitely pondered what kind of mom I was.

Thankfully, I have also known the delight of receiving many homemade birthday and Mother’s Day presents created, as only a child can, with glue, paper, and a touch of magic. Knowing in my heart that they were more valuable to me than a room full of gold. I have heard the words, “I love you mommy” and been rendered speechless by the intensity of joy and love I felt. Confirming that I might, in fact, have done something right.

I have embraced homeschooling and acquiesced when the kids were ready for something else. There have also been lunches, appointments, activities, many smoothies and so much more.

During this period of my life, I have also been learning to be a partner, home-maker, employee, referee, maid, friend, grown-up, parent, and woman.

I have completed the Xman challenge 4 times and spent days being sore but also incredibly proud of myself. Taken many walks with friends and just as many alone getting to know me. Enjoyed time with family in both countries and hours in the car to get to those much-anticipated visits. Became gainfully employed when staying at home full-time wasn’t a viable option. Reveled in jobs that paid me to clean up and organize things. And uncomfortably accepted compliments regarding my work ethic, presence, and ease with customer service.

I have also had 12 cavities filled and two teeth pulled as I have discovered that my body never absorbed calcium properly no matter how much I took. Realized that Menier’s Disease is incredibly low on the list of bad things to have, while acknowledging that it still totally sucks! Visited osteopaths, naturopaths, chiropractors, estheticians, and more. All in the hope of coaxing my body to be more like a light bulb that burns evenly bright and then gently blinks off at the end.

Ironically, I am also learning to accept myself for who I am as I am. By doing so, I am able to let everyone else be who they are and accept them as they are.

I have come to love my husband more than I ever thought I could love someone. And while I cherish this wonderful life we have created together, I acknowledge that we both have stuff to work on. Improvements that can only make us stronger as partners.

I watch my kids moving towards adulthood and marvel at how I am not sadder that they are no longer babies. Ultimately, their evolution is one of the highlights of this chapter of my life.

The third chapter … don’t rush me

What will this be like? Who knows.

What I do know, is that this one is arriving way too quickly.

And due to the reality of being human, there will be sadness and sickness and lost loved ones. Honestly, I am dreading all of it.

And as for me, contemplating the end has become increasingly harder as time passes and that “end” approaches.

I watch movies about ghosts, angels, uploading, and the afterlife. Clinging to the hope that there is, in fact, something tangible after our body dies. I cry during shows in which someone dies; forever reliving the day my mom passed.

And yet, I am very aware that I am one of the truly lucky ones. In theory, I am still young (though not according to my kid’s). So I hope to have a full chapter left. And anyway, what an amazing life I have had thus far. Sure there have been scary moments:

-police visits at our house when I was a child

-car accidents

-injured or sick family members

-etc.

But there have also been so many weird, funny, wonderful moments

-falling in love thanks to joining the circus

-being robbed in Greece(not scary, just bizarre)

-owning a chocolate factory

…to name only a very few.

So to try and show my appreciation for getting this far, when so many others didn’t, I plan on celebrating life to the absolute best of my ability for as many years as I get. There will be exercise and laziness, television and reading, friends and family, ice cream and kale, work and relaxation, love, laughter, meditation, shoveling, stretching, traveling, cooking, baking, snow angels, walking, lots of chocolate and so much more.

And, though I have tried to give back throughout my life, I will try to focus on being a little more of service to those not quite as lucky as I am. Not because they are needy but because paying it forward is never a bad thing.

Also, it couldn’t hurt to leave a good final impression.