It must have been so loud
(This post was started a few weeks ago)
It is not often that kids and parents like the same performers. There just aren’t that many who are popular with different generations. Therefore, the ones that are, stand out as pretty special.
Yesterday we learned that one of the special ones was gone…Twitch. Turns out that he shot himself.
My whole family knew of him from So You Think You Can Dance but also remembered him from Ellen. He was talented, energetic, and fun…and he seemed like a nice guy. We loved watching him dance. I loved his infectious smile.
My first reaction upon hearing about his death was…why? He had a seemingly wonderful life…family, success, and a devoted fan following.
(Fast forward a few weeks…)
Realizations
It has now been several weeks since Twitch took his life. In the days and weeks that have followed, there have been tributes, posts, pictures, and stories all attesting to how much he will be missed. There has also been a lot of talk about mental health and checking in with your loved ones. Signaling that something darker was going on for this seemingly happy man.
I would never profess to understand what might prompt someone to choose death over life. I have been terrified and pissed that I have to die since I was 7! But when I was struggling with the decision of keeping or aborting my pregnancy(see Story of “A” Part 2) I did have some very brief moments where the normally rational voice in my head pointed out that if I wasn’t alive I wouldn’t have to make this excruciatingly difficult choice. I never spoke to anyone about my thoughts because they seemed too private and I felt no one would understand.
Thankfully, in my case, my fear of not being alive was stronger than the dark voice. I feel lucky to be able to say that. That may not be the case for others.
The “Hardest” Season
For good or bad there are statistics, in Canada, about how more break-ups happen during the holiday season. More than any other time of the year.
Even more frightening are the statistics regarding the number of suicides during the holidays.
I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to enter into “the happiest time of the year” with dark thoughts and voices in my mind. The sheer force of the “Be happy no matter what! It is the holidays!” motto permeates everything! The stress to have lots of gifts, food, and friends is simply overwhelming. Not everyone can find peace with chocolate or a glass of wine.
And if you are dealing with something difficult and don’t have or are afraid to access support then I imagine all you can envision is a new year with more of the same darkness and sadness.
The things we keep to ourselves
Both my mom and dad struggled with addiction. Did they ever experience a moment where it just seemed easier to “be done with it all”? What about my siblings? Did any of our intense family dramas or difficult teen years ever have them hearing voices with bad advice? Honestly, I don’t know the answer to those questions. And that has made me realize something profoundly disturbing.
You just never know what someone might be struggling with. The repercussions could be horrific so why aren’t we talking about it? Or learning how to talk about it?
When I heard how Twitch died my first thought was, “what could have been so bad to make him choose that way out”. “Wouldn’t there have been a rational voice that tried to talk him out of it?” But, for all of my puking and dizziness, I have a pretty awesome life so I am in no position to judge someone’s difficulties or personal pain.
What I have come away with is this…
He may very well have had a voice in his head telling him that he shouldn’t do this but…possibly, there was another louder voice telling him something else!
